Perfection is impossible. I've read that many times but somedays I just need to hear it again and again to remind me that I'm human! I've shared with you all how I've felt when I'm soaring. Now I'd like to share how I feel when I'm struggling! Hopefully it will be helpful and most importantly, I want to make sure that I don't give you the impression that maintaining and continuing my weight loss is easy for me! It isn't! So if you struggle--let me tell you, you are not alone!!
As I have said many times in the past I don't weigh myself very often--the scale is an instrument of my disease of compulsive overeating, so I judge my health by how I feel and how my clothes fit. Over the last two weeks I've been feeling my waistband on my pants getting a bit tighter. I ignored it at first, but then as time passed and I wasn't feeling more comfortable, I knew I was gaining weight. In the past this would have been cause for mass panic and an indication that once again I had FAILED another diet! The result would be a massive week of restriction and then as result, BINGE craziness for the next month at least. But not any more.
I have found that beating myself up is a waste of time. My compulsive eating recovery program's 12&12 book reminds us that we MAKE mistakes but we are NOT A MISTAKE. This was very hard for me to understand at first. I think that my disease wanted me to feel like I was a bad person who deserved to be fat. I hate that word but that is what I was: fat, obese, angry, hating myself inside. I could blame my weight gain on medication or depression or painful things in my past, but program has taught me to focus on MY side of the street. I have to own my own behavior in order to be willing to give it up and change it!! So, I take responsibility for 100% of every single pound of excess weight on my body. I ate myself there, no matter what the cause, I know that most have you have read my "Dear 268lb Me" post and it contains the rawness of my existence back then--and the emotional pain it caused me. But to expand on the reflections in that post, I realize that I've spent a lot of time in my life looking harshly at what I'm doing wrong and ignoring what I'm doing right.
I operate differently now because I have learned from my 12 step eating recovery program friends that "shaming" myself is not healthy or motivating--it is just self-sabatoge. So instead, with my HP's help, I choose to remain sane and not just react impulsively because I'm scared of becoming heavy again.
- I calmly review what I've been eating and note any changes in my eating habits/patterns.
- I look at what foods have made me feel ill
- I look at how much I'm eating & how that has made me feel
- I look at whats been going on in my life outside of the food--emotionally, spiritually, etc.
- I look at whether I've been using the tools & the techniques I have been taught in my compulsive eating recovery program, in particular reviewing whether I've been writing down my "food plan" for the next day ahead of time
- In other words, in the language of the business world: I troubleshoot :-)
But I also look at what is working for me.
- What am I doing right that I should continue?
- What were my best food habits in the past?
- What activities and behaviors brought me the most serenity?
- Am I spiritually and emotionally centered--because I know from experience that a lack of balance in me gives my disease power through emotional chaos.
So, looking back at the last two weeks, I started making lists of my reflections to help me find clarity and a path forward.
What isn't working for me:
1) I'm eating take-out more & it has a MUCH higher fat and oil content than what I prepare at home!
2) I'm cooking with more oils/nuts & have gotten a bit unmotivated about cooking in general. As you may have noticed, my eating plans each week are becoming too ambitious and I get overwhelmed cooking too many new dishes. In addition, I've lost some motivation because my husband & I are working different food plans at the moment and its harder to be enthusiastic about cooking for one!
3) I haven't lost my abstinence, but I'm eating a much larger quantity of food--particularly starches and eating A LOT less veggies because I haven't been making time to buy enough produce & frozen veggies.
4) I'm not going to as many 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings as I could
5) I'm not meditating & praying as often
6) Its becoming easier for me to ignore my "full-meter" when eating and I've noticed that I've started snacking during meal preparation!
7) I'm not planning my meals the night before
8) I'm using food as a "drug" to relax me because I've been very anxious about my exam last week
What IS working for me:
1) I've started exercising more
2) I've been doing my compulsive eating recovery program's readings daily and writing more compulsive eating recovery reflections
3) I've been keeping my house cleaner which makes it less chaotic (despite his work commitments, my husband usually is the primary household manager but I need to contribute to!).
4) I've been spending more quality time with my husband which makes me feel good :-)
5) I've been sleeping better and trying to implement my therapist's recommendations for establishing good sleep hygiene because I ALWAYS feel SO much better with 8-10 hours of sleep. I've been hitting that goal at least a few time each week for the last two weeks so that is such an improvement.
6) I've been giving service to my sponsees
7) I've been more organized with my schedule & "To Do" lists
SOLUTION (determined after prayer & reflection):
(and note that I am attempting to be gentle with myself--in the past the solution would be: "you MUST do this EVERY day." That just sets me up for failure! So instead, I try to make it a gentler path than that!)
1) Limit take-out to no more than once per week
2) More 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings & continue my service to sponsees
3) Continue exercising more--not every day, but more days than not each week
4) Continue my 12 step compulsive eating recovery readings & writings but add back prayer & meditation for just a few minutes a few days each week.
5) SIMPLIFY--take a step back from all the cooking and start eating my way through the freezer.
6) No snacking while cooking or prepping.
7) Buy more produce and eat 2-3 cups of veggies per meal
8) Continue my commitment to sleep appropriate amounts
9) Each night, take a few minutes to plan what I'm going to eat the next day
10) Continue my commitment to helping my husband keep a tidy house
11) Schedule fun time with my husband
12) No seconds--revive the "one plate method" I talked about in my past post
And finally, I discuss all of this with my sponsor! I've started implementing the solutions today so I'll let you know how this works! It should--it has in the past! If it feels like too many things to change or if it isn't working well, I will go back to the drawing board, pray and consult my sponsor! Eventually, I will find the right combination!
The real key for me is more 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings--the more I go, the calmer I feel & the more I seem to be able to accomplish!! In my disease, I need the social support that group offers.
So that is the simple approach I use to re-center and continue on my journey to healthier living without shame, blame or self-sabatoge. I'm very grateful for having learned this method from others!
I know it seems like a lot of work for me to stay abstinent, stay slim and stay strong but when I compare my worst day today with my best day pre-recovery, this new life wins EVERY TIME. The work is SO worth it! (and trust me, I put a lot of work into getting heavy too--its nice to put work in the other direction!)
Thank you for allowing me to be honest and share my struggles as well as my successes--this is such a wonderful, warm community of readers and I feel so grateful to have all of you in my life!
Are any of YOU struggling?
What works for YOU when you start to struggle with your weight? Any pearls of wisdom to share with other readers? The service of you sharing your story will really help others so I appreciate any comments to guide other readers!!
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