So My Clothes Feel Tighter & I Know I Am Starting To Gain Weight?! What do I do?!

Perfection is impossible.  I've read that many times but somedays I just need to hear it again and again to remind me that I'm human!  I've shared with you all how I've felt when I'm soaring.  Now I'd like to share how I feel when I'm struggling!  Hopefully it will be helpful and most importantly, I want to make sure that I don't give you the impression that maintaining and continuing my weight loss is easy for me!  It isn't!  So if you struggle--let me tell you, you are not alone!!


As I have said many times in the past I don't weigh myself very often--the scale is an instrument of my disease of compulsive overeating, so I judge my health by how I feel and how my clothes fit.  Over the last two weeks I've been feeling my waistband on my pants getting a bit tighter.  I ignored it at first, but then as time passed and I wasn't feeling more comfortable, I knew I was gaining weight.  In the past this would have been cause for mass panic and an indication that once again I had FAILED another diet!  The result would be a massive week of restriction and then as result, BINGE craziness for the next month at least.  But not any more.  


I have found that beating myself up is a waste of time.  My compulsive eating recovery program's 12&12 book reminds us that we MAKE mistakes but we are NOT A MISTAKE.  This was very hard for me to understand at first.  I think that my disease wanted me to feel like I was a bad person who deserved to be fat.  I hate that word but that is what I was:  fat, obese, angry, hating myself inside.  I could blame my weight gain on medication or depression or painful things in my past, but program has taught me to focus on MY side of the street.  I have to own my own behavior in order to be willing to give it up and change it!!  So, I take responsibility for 100% of every single pound of excess weight on my body.  I ate myself there, no matter what the cause,  I know that most have you have read my "Dear 268lb Me" post and it contains the rawness of my existence back then--and the emotional pain it caused me.  But to expand on the reflections in that post, I realize that I've spent a lot of time in my life looking harshly at what I'm doing wrong and ignoring what I'm doing right.  


I operate differently now because I have learned from my 12 step eating recovery program friends that "shaming" myself is not healthy or motivating--it is just self-sabatoge.  So instead, with my HP's help, I choose to remain sane and not just react impulsively because I'm scared of becoming heavy again.  

• I calmly review what I've been eating and note any changes in my eating habits/patterns.
• I look at what foods have made me feel ill  
• I look at how much I'm eating & how that has made me feel
• I look at whats been going on in my life outside of the food--emotionally, spiritually, etc.  
• I look at whether I've been using the tools & the techniques I have been taught in my compulsive eating recovery program, in particular reviewing whether I've been writing down my "food plan" for the next day ahead of time
• In other words, in the language of the business world:  I troubleshoot :-)

But I also look at what is working for me.  

• What am I doing right that I should continue?  
• What were my best food habits in the past?  
• What activities and behaviors brought me the most serenity?  
• Am I spiritually and emotionally centered--because I know from experience that a lack of balance in me gives my disease power through emotional chaos.  

So, looking back at the last two weeks, I started making lists of my reflections to help me find clarity and a path forward. 

What isn't working for me:

1) I'm eating take-out more & it has a MUCH higher fat and oil content than what I prepare at home!

2) I'm cooking with more oils/nuts & have gotten a bit unmotivated about cooking in general.  As you may have noticed, my eating plans each week are becoming too ambitious and I get overwhelmed cooking too many new dishes.  In addition, I've lost some motivation because my husband & I are working different food plans at the moment and its harder to be enthusiastic about cooking for one!

3) I haven't lost my abstinence, but I'm eating a much larger quantity of food--particularly starches and eating A LOT less veggies because I haven't been making time to buy enough produce & frozen veggies. 

4) I'm not going to as many 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings as I could

5)  I'm not meditating & praying as often

6)  Its becoming easier for me to ignore my "full-meter" when eating and I've noticed that I've started snacking during meal preparation!

7) I'm not planning my meals the night before

8)  I'm using food as a "drug" to relax me because I've been very anxious about my exam last week

What IS working for me:

1) I've started exercising more

2) I've been doing my compulsive eating recovery program's readings daily and writing more compulsive eating recovery reflections

3) I've been keeping my house cleaner which makes it less chaotic (despite his work commitments, my husband usually is the primary household manager but I need to contribute to!). 

4) I've been spending more quality time with my husband which makes me feel good :-)

5) I've been sleeping better and trying to implement my therapist's recommendations for establishing good sleep hygiene because I ALWAYS feel SO much better with 8-10 hours of sleep.  I've been hitting that goal at least a few time each week for the last two weeks so that is such an improvement.

6) I've been giving service to my sponsees 

7) I've been more organized with my schedule & "To Do" lists

SOLUTION (determined after prayer & reflection): 
(and note that I am attempting to be gentle with myself--in the past the solution would be: "you MUST do this EVERY day."  That just sets me up for failure!  So instead, I try to make it a gentler path than that!)

1) Limit take-out to no more than once per week
2) More 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings & continue my service to sponsees 
3) Continue exercising more--not every day, but more days than not each week
4) Continue my 12 step compulsive eating recovery readings & writings but add back prayer & meditation for just a few minutes a few days each week.
5)  SIMPLIFY--take a step back from all the cooking and start eating my way through the freezer. 
6) No snacking while cooking or prepping.
7)  Buy more produce and eat 2-3 cups of veggies per meal
8)  Continue my commitment to sleep appropriate amounts
9)  Each night, take a few minutes to plan what I'm going to eat the next day
10) Continue my commitment to helping my husband keep a tidy house
11) Schedule fun time with my husband
12) No seconds--revive the "one plate method" I talked about in my past post


And finally, I discuss all of this with my sponsor!  I've started implementing the solutions today so I'll let you know how this works!  It should--it has in the past!  If it feels like too many things to change or if it isn't working well, I will go back to the drawing board, pray and consult my sponsor!  Eventually, I will find the right combination!


The real key for me is more 12 step compulsive eating recovery meetings--the more I go, the calmer I feel & the more I seem to be able to accomplish!!  In my disease, I need the social support that group offers.


So that is the simple approach I use to re-center and continue on my journey to healthier living without shame, blame or self-sabatoge. I'm very grateful for having learned this method from others! 


I know it seems like a lot of work for me to stay abstinent, stay slim and stay strong but when I compare my worst day today with my best day pre-recovery, this new life wins EVERY TIME.  The work is SO worth it! (and trust me, I put a lot of work into getting heavy too--its nice to put work in the other direction!) 


Thank you for allowing me to be honest and share my struggles as well as my successes--this is such a wonderful, warm community of readers and I feel so grateful to have all of you in my life!


Are any of YOU struggling?  


What works for YOU when you start to struggle with your weight?  Any pearls of wisdom to share with other readers?  The service of you sharing your story will really help others so I appreciate any comments to guide other readers!!


The medical information on this site is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient-physician relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.  Please consult your health care provider before making any healthcare decisions or for guidance about a specific medical condition. The Happy Rehab Doc expressly disclaims responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered as a result of your reliance on the information contained in this site.  By visiting this site you agree to the foregoing terms and conditions.

Dear 268 Pound Me: A Letter of Weight Loss Advice for the New Year

Happy New Year my readers!  When reflecting on what to write for my 2012 New Year's resolution post I started to wonder what advice I would have given myself four years ago when I weighed over 268lbs (last known weigh-in, likely more).  So I wrote myself a letter.  This was very helpful to me so I wanted to share it with all of you!  As usual, with any advice I give (even to myself! :-))--take what you like and leave the rest.


Dear Me in 2007, 

2007 Me

I know your body is hurting right now and you can't make it up a flight of stairs without becoming short of breath. I know you eat chips & dip while hiding in your closet and sweets when you think no one is looking.  I know that the take-out wait staff in all the local restaurants know your name and what meal you want to order. And I know you go home alone to eat enough food for five people while sitting in front of the TV.   I know you try to hide your secrets from your friends and family because you don't think anyone will like you if you are honest about who you are and what "bad" things you do.  I know that you dream about going to sleep in this body and then waking up thin like an overnight miracle from God.  


But more than anything, I know that you hate yourself for weighing 268+ lbs.  I know you are sitting in your house today, New Years Eve, plotting your strategy to lose weight in the New Year.  As a side note, I also know that you went to your favorite restaurant today and got all your best binge foods to have a "last supper" of sorts before the clock strikes midnight and your new diet begins!


I want to tell you that someday you will be able to laugh with friends who share your disease about the crazy things you did for and with food.  Someday you will even have a body that doesn't hurt every time you stand up and a large size set of women's surgical scrubs instead of a XXX size from the men's section of the locker room.  Someday you will be able to be comfortable enough with your slender body to fall in love and marry a wonderful man.  Someday you will be proud to be a doctor who is living the advice you give your patients. Someday you will actually like who you are--inside & out.  


But that someday is not today.  Today I'm going to challenge you to forget your usual resolutions with weight loss deadlines & detailed plans of how to get there.  All I'm going to ask you to do is to do five things.  


1)  Throw away your scale and the negative self-talk that goes with it.  


Every year you start to lose weight and then one day you get on the scale and discover that you've gained a pound instead of lost one.  You shake this off but berate yourself for being "bad" that week and vow to be "good" from here on.  And then things get stressful at work, you don't have time to cook and you skip the daily intensive workouts.  Then next month you get on the scale and discover that half of the weight you lost in January is back, or worse, you are actually heavier than you were when the year started!  So you give up and go get a "treat" to feel better.  You look in the mirror and are disgusted with your laziness and your inability to have enough will power to change.  


Lets do something different this year.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  So why don't you be a bit gentler with yourself and eliminate the opportunity for self-critique based on numbers on a scale.  


Guess what, you don't need a scale to tell you if you are gaining or losing weight.   You can feel what your body is doing--are your clothes getting tighter or looser?  Are you eating nutrient dense foods or junk?  Do you feel more energetic or extremely tired?  Let these questions be your scale. Weigh yourself every 3-6 months if you have to and tell your friends about your progress in clothing sizes.  Someday you will be able to say you went from a 26 to a 14.   


2) Write down your food plan each night & cook ahead on the weekends.  


You know this works.  So do it.  It doesn't have to be elaborate.  Keep it simple.  Buy a slow cooker.


3) Start eating more and more vegetables & grains until 100% of your diet is plants


You know that dying young is not your greatest fear.  Your greatest fear is becoming disabled and having your family have to care for you.  You know that most people who eat poorly or are obese don't die suddenly--they waste away, losing their independence slowly and painfully from strokes, congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, GI bleeds, some cancers, depression and severe osteoarthritis.  Don't take chances and put food-based pleasure above preserving your independent lifestyle.  I know you don't like to change but you'll find that you actually really like vegan food when its done right.  And you will learn to do it right.  In fact, you won't even miss meat except at special occasions when its right in front of you.  But when that happens, you will look at your family over the dinner table, picture them having to take care of you as you age and that meat won't seem so important any more.  You will know that you made the right choice.


4) Give up sodas of all kinds, including diet soda


I know you love your diet sodas--especially your Fresca and your Diet Coke.  You gave up regular sodas and other non-water beverages years ago to lose weight and haven't picked it up since then but you think that diet soda is ok!  You may not have read this scientific literature but actually your soda is actively leeching calcium from your bones & changing the biochemical balance in your body to make you gain weight instead of losing it! So give them ALL up.


5)  Most importantly, find a free support group like a 12 step compulsive eating recovery program or form one of your own if the program is not for you 


I know you think you have this all figured out.  And I know you think that weight loss is just about the food & exercise.  Its not.  Its about a lot more than that.  You will discover that it has to do with your emotions and your spiritual center as well.  And to feel comfortable being honest about your overeating behavior, you need some supportive friends who share your struggles.  You need to hear encouragement from living, breathing success stories sitting in front of you.  You need to hear how someone hasn't eaten sugar in 20 years or that that cute guy over there lost 175lbs and you can't even recognize him from before even though you knew him.  You need to know the hard stuff too, that someone else hid in their closet to eat, snuck food from the refrigerator at night or ate until they felt sick but couldn't seem to stop.  


You also need to know that some people's disease is mild compared to yours--they just were tired of failing diets or couldn't manage to eat the food portions they wanted.  You need to know that some people's disease is worse than yours--they eat out of the trash, have been hospitalized multiple times or can't make themselves eat enough to stay a healthy weight.   You need to know that no matter what problems people have with their food, they are all accepted and acceptable.  You need to see others having the courage to be honest and to ask you to be too.


You are not alone.  There is hope for you yet Cat if you are willing to recover.  


You can believe me.  I'm you, nearly 100lbs lighter, in four years.


Love, 
Me

The medical information on this site is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient-physician relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.  Please consult your health care provider before making any healthcare decisions or for guidance about a specific medical condition. The Happy Rehab Doc expressly disclaims responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered as a result of your reliance on the information contained in this site.  By visiting this site you agree to the foregoing terms and conditions.

Ten Things I Do to Keep Those Nearly 100lbs Off!! (AND more Before & After photos! :-))

I realize that most of you do not have an eating disorder like mine.  But maybe some parts of the things I do can help you too!  I can only share from my own experience, but here is how I've lost the weight & maintained my recovery for the last four years.  Trust me, it was not "willpower!"  I don't have any when it comes to food!  You already know what I EAT (I wrote about it here and here ), so here is what I DO!

BEFORE- 268LBS

#1:  I Write It Down:  
I write down my food report, my food plan, my step work & then I journal when I'm feeling emotions that may be challenging for me to handle without food.  For the first three years of program I emailed my sponsor nearly every night to report what I ate that day.  This made me accountable to her and to myself.  I also tried to quickly jot down my plan for what I would eat the next day. My committing my plan to paper removes the need to think about food the next day.  I know what I will eat.  For my recovery (and everyone in my 12 step compulsive eating recovery group has a different program) I don't HAVE to eat what I plan the next day--I just do my best. I don't food report right now unless I'm feeling shaky but I do still try to write a food plan in my journal the night before.  If you are not in a 12 step compulsive eating recovery group or another similar program, I recommend getting a buddy that you can send your food to--it REALLY helps!


#2:  I Eat TWO cups of Vegetables with Lunch & Dinner. 
My sponsor told me to do this so I do.  It was hard to do at first because that is a LOT of vegetables but its easy now.  I can't eat as much other food because it fills me up. It also gives me the nutrients I need. I usually stick to dark leafy greens like kale & spinach.  I like those tossed with a few dried cranberries (not the ones with added refined sugar, the ones sweetened with apple juice:  Whole Foods has them!)  Its really yummy like that!

AFTER:
AT THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR!

#3:  I Cook in Bulk:  
We cook in bulk once a week & refrigerate or freeze all our meals in BPA-free tupperware.  We do this mostly because my husband & I usually do not have the time or the energy to cook during the week plus we need to bring our food to work (there is barely anything we can eat at our hospital cafeterias AND we are trying to pay off my massive student loan debt by being frugal).  See my posts on our methods of bulk cooking: here, here & here.


#4:  I Don't Weigh Myself:  
I stopped weighing myself regularly at the beginning of my program.  I did this because EVERY time in the past (in my many, MANY years of dieting before I started this 12 step compulsive eating recovery program) when I lost enough weight to get down to near 200lbs, I shot right back up.  I don't know why--it just happened that way.  So I only weigh myself every few months--sometimes I've gone 6 months without stepping on a scale.  We don't own one.  And removing the "weight game" brings so much sanity to my life.  I measure progress by how I feel, not what the scale says!  I only mention numbers now because people always want to know how much weight I've lost.


#5:  I Use My Community Support:  I tend to seek my main support from my 12 step compulsive eating recovery community because they can relate to my history of obesity and food dysfunction.  My phone has about 20+ 12 step compulsive eating recovery program members from my local meetings so I can rapid dial when I'm in a bad situation--like very hungry driving home from work & obsessing about food because I forgot my snack!  By the time I'm done with talking--even if all I do is leave messages--I'm sane again.  Its a miracle!  I reach out to my non-compulsive eating friends and my family too!  I also have great support from my husband, the Happy Nurse (he is ah-maze-ing).  Very grateful.  Other things I do:  I go to 12 step compulsive eating recovery program meetings and I listen to free podcasts from iTunes of 12 step compulsive eating recovery program speakers in Los Angeles that inspire me (just search for "12 step LA speakers" in iTunes & you'll find them!).  


All that said, you don't need a 12 step compulsive eating recovery program to build a community of support to stay healthy--reach out and ask for help if you need it.  You'll be surprised at how powerful it is!
   
#6:  I Don't Watch TV:   
Yup, that's right!  Our TV is for DVD viewing only.  No cable.  We download shows one episode at a time on our computers when I want to watch something & my hubby watches Hulu.  TV for me is another addiction and that is why I avoid it. And of course, due to work, we are rarely home!  As a side benefit I get to miss all the commercials about foods that are not good for me! 


#7:  I Keep Emergency Snacks:  
I always have an emergency snack--a few flaxseed crackers, a date or two, some trail mix, a piece of fruit--available in my glove compartment or my work bag.  Raging hunger is a dangerous thing for me so I try to avoid that.  


#8:  I Follow What My Sponsor Says & I Give Service & Sponsor Others:  
So much of food addiction recovery involves surrender.  I kept doing things "my way" for years and guess what--it doesn't work!  So I look to my sponsor (another member of my 12 step compulsive eating recovery program with a strong recovery) to guide me.  I give a lot of service--I sponsor people, I help with meetings, I make calls to my people in need and I look for opportunities to give.  When I give to others I get out of my own head and turn my thoughts to their needs.  I share my story as often as I can because I have a responsibility to give the gift of hope as others have done for me.


#9:  I Keep My Abstinence No Matter What:  
Everyone's "abstinence" in my 12 step compulsive eating recovery program is different & defined by the member & their sponsor.  To use more familiar terms, "abstinence" is the equivalent of "sobriety" in AA.  I don't care if I'm exhausted from work, sad because I lost a patient, upset at my husband/family/friends, joyous over an accomplishment or sick with the flu--I will not eat the foods that my sponsor & I decided were unsafe for me to eat.  If I have one bite--I will binge--it is impossible for me to only eat one serving.  I am NEVER going back to the way I was before.  And I know with the support of my Higher Power (HP) & the life skills I have learned from OA, I will not have to feel the pain of working my way towards 300lbs & hating myself for it.


#10:  I Meditate, I Pause & I Listen to My Higher Power:  
I meditate to guided meditation because I have NO ability to silence my brain.  I need someone talking to me and telling me how to relax! My fav right now is a free iPhone app called "Spiritual Healing by the American Monk."  It is awesome--8 mins long.  It helps me stay centered.


I PAUSE.  If my eating disorder is active, when I sit down to eat I feel like a train running out of control.  I have to eat as much and as quickly as possible.  All I can think is MORE MORE MORE!  The way I stop this is by pausing--I sit before my food and take a deep breath.  I close my eyes for a quick second and make my whole body completely still.  And I listen for guidance from my heart (my HP).  And then I start eating--a much calmer, saner person!  Physically stilling myself before meals seems to be the key to not overeating.  I don't need to do this all the time, but I do practice it fairly frequently. 


For me, my Higher Power (HP) is the voice in my heart that is the best version of myself, the version of myself that wants only the best for me, that is kind & can see things clearly & calmly. The way I understand this program concept is that everyone defines their own HP in the 12 step compulsive eating recovery program--it can be God, it can be nature, it can be the recovery group, it can really be ANYTHING greater than yourself that can stop you from acting in your addiction.  


OK!  So that is all I know right now.  Remember that I am not a spokesperson for any 12 step compulsive eating recovery program--I'm just one member sharing my honest experience, strength & hope the way we are taught to do.  Thank you for letting me share this with you!

Coming Up Next Week:

• BOOK REVIEW:  "29 Gifts!"
• SuperImmunity for Kids ~Part 2~!
• Practical Stuff:  Kitchen Tools That Help & Products I Like! (Gift Ideas?!)

Coming Up on Medical System Tuesday: 

• Tip #9 For The Best Hospital Care:  Pay Attention ~ Insider Tips on How to Get the BEST Medical Care in the Hospital ~

The medical information on this site is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient-physician relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.  Please consult your health care provider before making any healthcare decisions or for guidance about a specific medical condition. The Happy Rehab Doc expressly disclaims responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered as a result of your reliance on the information contained in this site.  By visiting this site you agree to the foregoing terms and conditions.